The Problem With the Five Stages of Grief

Why many people expect grief to follow stages

One of the most widely known ideas about grief is the concept of the five stages.

Many people have heard that grief moves through a sequence of emotional stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The idea suggests that people gradually progress through these stages as they adjust to a loss.

Because this model is so widely discussed, people sometimes expect their own grief to follow the same pattern.

But grief rarely behaves in such an orderly way.

For many people, grief feels unpredictable. Emotions may change from day to day, and different feelings may appear at the same time.

Understanding where the five stages idea came from can help explain why it does not always match real experiences of grief.

Where the five stages idea came from

The concept of the five stages of grief was introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.

Her work was based on conversations with people who were facing their own terminal illness. She described common emotional reactions people sometimes experienced while confronting the possibility of dying.

Over time, this framework began to be applied to bereavement and loss more broadly.

As the idea spread through popular culture, the stages were often interpreted as a universal sequence that everyone must pass through after losing someone.

However, Kübler-Ross herself later clarified that the stages were never meant to describe a fixed order that everyone experiences.

What grief actually looks like for many people

Research on bereavement shows that grief experiences vary widely from person to person.

People may experience:

• sadness, longing, or emptiness
• anger or frustration
• moments of calm or acceptance
• periods of emotional numbness
• waves of grief triggered by reminders
• times when life feels relatively normal again

These experiences often appear in changing combinations rather than in a predictable sequence.

Someone might feel acceptance one day and deep sadness the next. Another person might feel mostly quiet reflection with only occasional emotional waves.

Grief is highly individual.

Why the stage model can create confusion

Although the five stages model helped bring attention to emotional responses to loss, it can sometimes create unrealistic expectations.

It suggests grief should follow a timeline

People may feel pressure to move through the stages in order.

When their emotions do not follow that pattern, they may wonder whether something is wrong with them.

It implies that grief has a clear end point

The idea of reaching a final stage can suggest that grief eventually disappears completely.

In reality, many people continue carrying memories and emotional connections with the person they lost.

It may overlook other experiences of grief

Some people feel relief after a long illness. Others experience numbness, confusion, or quiet reflection rather than intense emotional stages.

These reactions are also normal.

What modern grief research suggests instead

Current research often describes grief as a process of adjustment rather than a sequence of stages.

One influential perspective is the dual process model, which suggests that people naturally move back and forth between two kinds of experience:

• confronting the loss and the emotions connected to it
• focusing on everyday life and rebuilding routines

This back-and-forth movement helps people gradually adapt to life after loss.

Rather than progressing step by step through stages, grief often involves oscillating between emotion and adjustment.

What people often misunderstand about grief

Several beliefs shaped by the stage model can make grief more difficult.

Grief should follow a predictable pattern

There is no single correct way to grieve.

Different people experience grief in different ways.

I should be in a certain stage by now

Grief does not move according to a fixed schedule.

People adjust to loss at their own pace.

Feeling okay sometimes means I am grieving incorrectly

Moments of calm or even happiness are common in grief.

These moments do not mean the person has forgotten the loss.

Acceptance means the loss no longer hurts

Acceptance often means recognizing the reality of the loss, not eliminating the emotional impact of it.

What helps people navigate grief

Because grief does not follow strict stages, many people benefit from approaches that allow flexibility and patience.

Allowing emotions to change naturally

Different feelings may appear at different times.

Allowing this variation can reduce pressure to grieve in a specific way.

Staying connected with supportive people

Friends, family members, and community can provide stability during periods of adjustment.

Maintaining routines

Returning gradually to everyday activities can help restore a sense of structure.

Creating meaning from the relationship

Remembering the person who died and acknowledging their influence can help integrate the loss into ongoing life.

When professional support may help

Professional support may be helpful if grief:

remains intensely overwhelming for long periods
creates difficulty functioning in daily life
leads to persistent isolation or hopelessness
interferes with maintaining relationships or routines

Grief counselors and therapists can help people explore their experiences and develop ways of adapting to loss.